The Stairs

I am so sick of all of this bullshit. I am tired of getting angry with every news story I see. I am tired of having to track down politicians and lawyers. I am tired of none of it making sense.

I just want a simple answer as to why. There is none. No one will tell me anything. I don’t know. I sent the cops a friendly (for me) email thanking them. The police interview was the last time I knew anything for certain.

This whole experience has been weird and I can’t keep going, but I can’t let go of the fact something isn’t right. I can’t reconcile all of this in my mind because pieces have to be missing.

There is none reason not to charge him. None. Rape has a singular definition: penetration against the will of another. Why is this such a hard case to argue? Why?

Aaron Ford has an upcoming campaign event and frankly I don’t want to stand outside in the cold doing this shit. I don’t want to be threatened with arrest or better yet, get arrest for a noise violation or some bullshit excuse.

I want my life back. I want something to be normal. I want someone I can depend on. I want a lot of things. I’m tired of fighting. I just don’t know what to do. I seem like a lunatic at this point. I don’t want to back down from doing what is right. I’m just need anyone to tell me what next. I’m straight out of ideas.

I’m doing my intake Monday at a place that does strictly sexual assault trauma treatment. Maybe that will change things. I am so angry. I am so dragged down into the rabbit hole. I don’t see the light. I see everything that had haunted my life. Every trauma every time it has happened. It’s all I see.

I had a dream. This woman was following a man through a dangerous factory of sorts because it was a shortcut. They had to go down these rickety wooden steps with nail sticking out. She was afraid but the men from the factory were attacking them. She laid upon the landing beaten and bruised. Birds then came and picked at her living carcass. I feel that.

I have a lot of dreams about stairs now. I have alway been weary of stairs in my life. I can fall up them in real life. What does it all mean? Interesting reaction to new psychotropic medications? A sign from the deity of your choice ? I don’t know. What I do know is I have the birds picking at my carcass and I need someone to save me and offer a hand.