An attempt

I had a rough time over the holidays. I started by going to rehab and going back to a day program. I really need to get back to work.

When I got home for my time in rehab, life felt bad. I was reaching out to friends, the few I have. I’m a harsh person and awkward and I don’t get along with many people. I’m that guy.

Shit got weird. I met a man online and we really clicked. We talked for hours and everything felt very good. Then the shoe dropped. He was out on bail. Okay, not ideal person, but I am very forgiving and I always find the good in people. Then I found out what he was on bail for: a sting operation where he was to meet an 8 year old whose father wanted him to rape her.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Holy shit. What the fuck. Holy shit.

My stupid big heart talked to him and comforted him and helped him find a program for sexual offenders and used what I learned from {D} to get him a good attorney. I felt bad for him. He is sick. But the problem is, I have been an 8 year old girl being raped. I felt like if I could show him compassion, I could somehow be something that made his life change. But I also feel my morals were walking a very thin line  

Note: he did decide I was as an idiot on the lawyer. So giving the best advice from an actual lawyer who is brilliant and knows how to get out of shit did not help him. I call it the {D}'s Playbook. {D} is a phenomenal attorney. He could have been one of the greats if he had ever gotten sober. He ain't no ambulance chaser. He is a brilliant legal mind  and a horrible human being. There needs to be balance in the force I guess  but I know how he picks attorneys  I'm not telling you, it's like the special sauce recipe that can be used for good or evil  

I mainly want to know how these sexual predators seem to locate me and seek me out. It’s like I have “victim” tattooed on my forehead and I just can’t see the huge neon sign over them saying they are predators.

That really fucked me up on several levels between showing him comfort and compassion and thinking about why I only see the good in people and why I am so naive and stupid. All I could think was “why is it always me?” There are obviously deeper psychological issues on my part regarding the type of men I find myself attracted to and the abusers of my childhood and trust me I am working with my therapist on that because I do have a type, psychopathic sexual predators with substance abuse issues who are older than me with blue eyes. If you knew my now dead step dad, Chris, you would understand why I do that. I just need to stop doing that. Again, therapist is working with me on that. I’m just going to steer clear of men for a bit.

So this really threw me for a loop and I reached out to my few friends and didn’t get a response. And I then made the decision to take all of my medications at once in an attempt to take my own life. I’ve tried several times throughout my life to commit suicide. From slitting my wrists to carbon monoxide poisoning with the car (damn Toyotas and their low emissions) to putting a shot gun in my mouth and having it not go off (it was either an act of god or a leveraged issue. It always comes down to Jesus or physics). Pills are the most attainable way to commit suicide, but I always puke. So I puked. I woke up realizing I had not succeeded in the attempt and called 911 on myself.

The hospital helped. It gave me support and an adjustment in medication. They kept talking about boundaries. And I kept saying people don’t respect my boundaries and it has ended badly for me thus far. But the more they said it and the more I laughed when they said “say no” if you need to “call the police” they will be charged. And I was like, the hell he will. However, it really solidified in my mind that this wasn’t my fault. And frankly the investigation and the lack of response for, and fine I’m crazy but I am saying it, political cronyism fucked me up a little more than the rape itself. If he didn’t know who he knew, and his position had a joint presence with the attorney general in Nevada, he would have been charged. There is no question about it. At all. In anyone’s mind. And the months of him in my ear and head saying it’s because no one believed me and he did nothing wrong.

He did.

And 

He violated hard boundaries regarding my body. And then he did it the whole time we were together. But I was blind to it because he said he wasn’t doing that to me. He convinced me it was all in my mind. But, the thing is those were my boundaries. I said no. I would text him the next day after he forced my legs open at night and tell him what he did because I knew he wouldn’t remember because he blacks out from drinking every night. He would blow me off. I thought it was me, but it wasn’t. It was him. It was always him.