The cost of doing business

There are five reasons of punishment. One of them is retribution. I keep saying that this is to protect others but that is only partially true because altruism is what it is. I do want him to pay a price for what he did to me. I do want him labeled and shunned by a society that cares about women. I want him to live with the guilt and the horror every single day of his life. Prison. That’s where creatures like him belong. Prison, where he would be left to count the days and count the grey hair while it grows. He would be away from women he could harm. He would be damned.

I do want retribution. Why is it I have to be the one fighting and begging for justice or at least answers? Have you any idea how difficult this has been? I’m begging and I’m sharing every single intimate detail of my life and this incident and my relationship with {D} because someone has to hear my story and be able to do something about it. Something has to change. It has to. Be it in my case or further down the road for other women. Somewhere in this is an Aesopian lesson that must be learned.

I wondered about why I really was still fighting this. It isn’t because I’m a crazy stalker- yeah talked to the therapist about that one (Was a little worried myself).

So then is it vengeance? Maybe a part of it? That video really fucked up my head and my life. Like I can never explain what it is like to see yourself raped on film and realize you didn’t know how bad it was. There are no words to describe that feeling. How does one go an eye for an eye for living their own rape in third person for the rest of their lives?

Jude 7:1

just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.

Now let’s talk about Saint Jude here. Patron saint of lost causes. My grandmother always burnt Saint Jude candles and had us pray to Saint Jude while looking for our socks or her apartment keys.

I did my research into the law and I wanted to look at it biblically as that is so often where lmoral dilemmas can be argued. So I did some googling looking at Bible passages from Ezekiel and Revelations and to my surprise I came across Jude 7. That dude got some harsh words for the sexually immoral. He opens with you are going to hell if you pursue unnatural desires. I might be damned to hell depending upon the definition of unnatural desire. What I do know is despite what he said about my “pussy being built for this,” what he did was unnatural and not kink shaming but a man who wants to cause nothing but pain is not natural. Sex is not meant to cause pain, quite the opposite actually in our species and many others far further down the evolutionary chain.

Biblically retribution is warranted and well deserved in this case.

I’m allowed to be vengeful in this scenario. That son of a bitch raped me while gaslighting me continuously gaslit me for months following. I am pissed off. I’m allowed to be pissed off. I’m allowed to be pissed about the circumstances and the lack of response and I am allowed to. I am absolutely still aghast that he is walking the streets

{D} drinks 30-40 ounces of gin every day. That puts him at about 15 times the legal limit to drive. When he is drunk, he is sexually aggressive. He will hurt someone. He will rape someone.

So retribution and altruism seem to be my purposes. I’m allowed to be pissed off. He is not allowed to rape people.

Zero fucks

I have zero fucks to give about anything I may have done to him, accusing him, exposing him, costing him minimum tens of thousands of dollars if not six figures. I am also costing him exorbitant legal fees. Then there is that matter of his condo, he made a buck or 2. Rough estimate he walked away with 75k. I know he had to take the lawyer fees out of that. So let’s be generous and say he is left with 50k. In the process he lost his 3% mortgage and is looking at 7% on a mortgage. Let’s say he spends 400k on a house, at 7% he is paying $558,000 in total interest on a 30 year loan whereas his old loan only had a total interest of 155,000. Plus he was unemployed for 3 months at @10k per month. And he lost his banked sick leave which he had a 700 hours of. And there is a bonus he lost. So, in all actuality I cost him about half a mil.

And I don’t give a fuck.

I regret nothing.

He deserves this and more.