Daydreams

I was going to move on to the next domino which was the downfall of my life. This one involves me being a deity and a soundproof room. It’s weird. However I have something else on my mind; the concept that nobody cares and what my karmic legacy is.

My first year teaching I had this program with kids who had been suspended but the had to come to school in the trails outside. They were to do school work all day except for my class. I taught mindfulness and a lot of civil rights movement. I taught them to take a deep breath and think “is it worth it?” I had them set up playlist of chill song. It was great and I saw the impact.

Now I had a baby at16. Got pregnant sophomore year and was switched out of AP classes and put in cooking and business math, and was required to get my Head Start teaching certification. I didn’t particularly like kids least screaming toddlers.

Going back to the class taught, I told the kids my story. I defied odds getting the degrees I got. No matter how back it seems, you can pull yourself out. You have potential regardless of where you are now.

My administrator just happened to walk in thhe room while I was doing this speech. She took me aside and said “They don’t care about you. Just give them some worksheets or something. You’re boring them.”

I didn’t even make I through my first year of teaching before I attempted suicide. Nothing mattered you can’t stop the train once it starts rolling.

It really broke my heart.

Back to today, I went out on a date last night. No one new just a guy I have dated on and off for years. We have a love hate relationship. It’s been a couple years and he was kind of in shock at me and what was going on. He told me I better not accuse him of rape, like I was making it up. Showed him the video and he shut the fuck right up.

We went to dinner, caught up. He explained vaccine conspiracy theories to me and I explain this fascinating world called actual science. This is normal conversation for us. That and me making fun of him for keeping the old Miata he’s had since the 90s which he parks his Porsche next to.

He was really concerned about me all night. I was shaky. Neurological problems plus being nervous. He decided to not come back to my place. I sent him the obligatory text thanking him for dinner and I haven’t heard a word. Guess that’s over.

So I’ve been pretty down today. It felt so good to have someone paying attention to me and having a conversation instead of talking to myself.

I don’t know where I went wrong in my life. I feel like I don’t deserve this. I’ve told myself for years that it will get better. It never does. Maybe for a fleeting moment in the sunshine, but never sustained.

Everyone seems to judge ME for the rape. Like I’m the one having to explain my actions. And watching the footage over and over to find my mistakes. My rape was not nearly rapey enough for charges to be filed. So what did I miss? Why part made it my fault? Going home with him? Staying with him because my life was hell and at least I had someone? I supposedly smiled at one point. I had actually locked my jaw which makes me look like I’m smiling it’s an old sales/pageant/teacher thing. My ex used to call it the “fuck you smile.” Then on the 3rd video I said we should close the window. I don’t know why maybe I was cold. Maybe after at least 45 minutes of screaming I figured no one was coming. Maybe it was because I was on coke. I have no fucking idea. These are the question that make my rape suspect. Are they valid? What the fuck is his story for the hour of film? Mind constitutes about 3-4 seconds on the film. What is his explanation for the rest?

I don’t know if it is worth the fight anymore. I’m so tired. I just want to go to sleep and. Never wake up again. I don’t want to feel pain I just want to feel my soul leaves this battered uses and abuse flesh and bone that have caused me so much pain and suffering. I don’t want to feel it any more.

In case you’re wondering, no I am not going to attempt suicide. I don’t have anything I could do it with. It’s simply a daydream of not having to live anymore.