{D} spirals at night. He goes through so much pain and remorse and feelings of being unworthy of love. I would talk him through it and tell him how wonderful his life was and why he deserves to be loved and be forgiven for anything he still held guilt for. I held him real close and tell him all the wonderful things about him.
Where is the person who is supposed to be doing that for me now? Why did I waste my time building him up instead of myself?
I need a fucking hug right now. I need someone to ask me how my day is going. I need someone to say something nice about me. I need someone to make me feel special.
What readers might not understand is that I am alone. I go days sometimes weeks at a time with no human interaction in person phone call text anything at all. I just here alone in a dark room crying, talking to myself, and spending money I don’t have on Temu. At least when I go back to work I’ll be about to interact with people a little. I work from home phone calls all day. Maybe that will bring it back.
The part of the story I haven’t shared yet is my diagnosis. In October of 2023 I had a neurological episode that was the first domino in the shit show where my life is now.
I couldn’t move or speak my muscles tightened around my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was entombed in my own body. I’ve have neurological issues for 15 years that have gone undiagnosed. These new episodes, because yes there were more after the initial one while I was at work, were just the next progression in the neurological issues.
I stayed calm. I thoughtfully went through everything with my parents about when I should be taken off the ventilator when shit when shit went sideways. Went to the neurologist and I now have a “rare form” (it’s always a rare for) of ALS and I’m basically going to freeze up and I won’t have control over my body and I won’t be able to speak or write. Just my brain doing what I do now sitting in a dark room talking to myself.
That was the point when I decided I wasn’t going to die like that so give me sex drugs and rock and fucking roll. I ain’t going out like that. Now I just live like that. I have to work from home because of the medical issues. It has decreased my cognitive function and I can’t do simple things I used to. And trust me for a person who depended upon their intellectual abilities to if nothing else be the smart ass in the room, god I feel it.
I sent some friends request and the police told me I was making myself look bad. Who fucking cares. Who do I need to look good for? Fucking nothing is going to change. I look crazy, no shit you don’t say. Wouldn’t you be?
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