Victim Statement to my Valentine

My therapist requested that I write a victim statement to {D} before our session tonight. I thought I would share. 

Victim statement to my valentine

{D}, you don’t believe or understand it but you harmed me in ways I didn’t think possible. I thought I had seen it all and done it all. I thought that night was not as bad as it was until I saw it on video. That video has unraveled my world and everything I thought was real and everything I thought I had been through and dealt with in my life. It exposed to me the amount of times men like yourself have made a cognizant decision to ignore me saying no.

I had finally gotten to the point in my life where I said that I was going to start saying no ala Nancy Reagan. Just say no. Say no when it hurts. Say no when I don’t like it. Say no when I just don’t want to. Just say no.

It had only been a couple of months since I had made that decision and that night was the first and last time I tried it. You ignored my pleas. You ignored my begging. You made the choice not me. That does constitute rape.

You don’t believe that and you don’t have any remorse. To whom else have subjected to such cruelty and thought it was okay when it wasn’t for them. I know about the one in college. You showed remorse for that and still show remorse some 40 years later for what you did to her. I hope one day you have remorse for what you did to me. Not just that night but for our entire relationship.

You have stripped me of my beliefs and my trust in people and the legal system. You have taken a little crazy but idealistic and pure soul who really did want nothing more than to show you love and destroyed that soul. I don’t know if I can ever come back. I don’t know if I can ever be same person again. A year later and I’m still not okay. I’m still afraid of relationships with men because god knows what they are going to do and how they are going to hurt me.

I told you about my ex-husband and the torture he put me through sexually and you said it turned you on. My pain, my shame in that situation, my lose of my very self turned you on and you continued the cycle. You preyed upon me just like you preyed apon the others you have done this to me

You knew I wasn’t one of them. You knew I didn’t like that or want or desire that. You knew. You told me that night you knew. You just kept looking at me and saying “you’re not” I didn’t understand it at the time but I also was unaware of your proclivities regarding causing women pain. I never knew that about you. You just want to hurt and you hurt me that night.

I bled. My periods we every 2 weeks. We couldn’t have sex without lube because it was too painful and I was too swollen for you to even penetrate me for normal vaginal sex. I never use lube but it was 2 months of pain for me.

I loved and I thought that I had to push through the pain for you to love me back. I knew that’s the only reason you told me you loved me. You had no idea who or what I was. You didn’t until we discussed the Missouri compromise. That was the moment you actually knew and loved me, not the broken woman you preyed upon. But the real me.

You stopped hurting me. You knew. You always knew that wasn’t something I wanted in my life or in our bed.

I’ve beeen shut down and unhappy and incapable of moving forward in my life because I am still fighting that night. I am still fighting to stop you. I am still fighting to save the next one from my fate.

That might have been the worst part of it was begging the da and the ag to charge you when you used your power to protect yourself and your lies. I sat and was called a whore because you refused to accept the consequences of your actions and you knew exactly what those consequences were and you made the choice to not only rape me but to also vilify me. To make me look unstable and crazy and untrustworthy. To slander me and my character. To break me.

You chose to break me. Was it worth it? Was destroying a person who had already survived so much worth it ?