I figured out the exact moment I should have shut it down that night. I had been sexually abused by my former husband for years. I never talked to anyone about it and I literally met {D} within a week of getting out of the marriage.
I never told anyone about it because who would believe me. People need to look at this as domestic violence more so than rape. It’s the same reaction a battered woman has, trust me, I’ve been that too.
I told {D} about it via text right before that fateful night. When he arrived at the hotel in fairly short order, he looked at me and said I told him that to “turn him on.” My heart sank into my stomach. I decided to shake it off. He was drunk he didn’t know what he was talking about, those were the excuses I told myself.
I should have shut it down immediately.
The chain of events and ongoing sexual abuse by {D} really had an effect on me. I’m not normally this crazy. A little crazy, yeah but fun crazy. The realization of what I put myself through was shocking.
Had I not seen it on video, I would have considered it emotionally uncomfortable but I would have not gotten to where I am now. Watching it showed me how much I have put up with sexual assault. How much I have blamed myself and told myself I was overreacting and that it wasn’t rape.
What I have learned recently is that my opinion is the only one that counts in reality. If I say no, it should end. It should have stopped.
And then I put up with the months of sexual abuse at night. {D} would force my legs open and he can pin you down. He was a wrestler in high school and does this thing where he puts all his body weight on your chest and you can’t get out of it. You could try but he would just come right back. It was easier to submit. I would get pissed off the next day and tell him and he would say things like I liked it or begrudgingly tell me fine he won’t do it again. He always did though.
It was ongoing abuse and I was so well trained into it, I just followed along. {D} had complete control of everything, not just sexually, but what we did and what we ate and where we went. The only thing I took control of was which concerts we went to (he could overrule). I was completely subservient to him. He would do things like just hold his glass up and shake it a little and I would go running to fix him another drink. It was very reminiscent of my childhood. I was there solely to serve him be it sexually or domestically.
I still think about the good times and everything that made me happy and I realized I feel the same way about my time with my ex husband as well. He and I did a lot cooler shit than {D} and I ever did. From insane hikes to a multitude of amazing concerts to epic fucking road trips to building a cabin in the mountains with our own hands. We did some nifty assed shit. But he was raping me 5 times a day. I need to remember that when I think about {D} and the good times.
This is why domestic violence victims go back to their abusers. It’s the connect to the person be it emotional or financial, but you’re connected. You lived together as a unit for a given period of time. To disengage from that unit is difficult. The only times I have is because I have been that fucking angry and usually not for the reason of the abuse. Brian 1, it wasn’t when my eye socket got broken, it was when he refused to go to the doctor with me when I was scared because I had cervical cancer. Brian 2 it wasn’t barricading myself in a room to escape him and the sex, it was when he wouldn’t allow me to go be with my grandmother as she died. {D} it wasn’t because he had raped me or threatened to kill me again one night, it was because he was cheating on me. I never left for the reason of the abuse. I stayed until something else pissed me off.
I grew up in abuse. I grew up not just being sexually abused and physically abused. I saw the example of my mother staying with men who did the same to her. You don’t call the police. You deal with it and then you make up and it happens again. That’s the cycle of abuse. That doesn’t conform to what most people would consider rape, but you love someone and you forgive them and tell yourself they can’t control it. They can. They actually can. And it’s rape. Penetration against the will of another, that’s the definition. So, if I had a video of my ex husband hitting me, he would go to jail. I have a video of someone raping me and I’m still fighting for some form of justice.
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