So this is my blog. Go figure. I feel like I should be spewing the whole story out as quickly as possible. Maybe not the best way to go about this because this far this website looks like a mad woman's breakfast. That's probably because I am using it to organize my disorganized thoughts. This is the therapy I am working on for my trauma recovery. I like taking to people. I like feeling like I can say whatever it is I need or want to say without judgement. Kay it's the internet and you are certainly judging me. But, as long as your aren't like sending me messages to shut up, I think I'll be cool.
I know it is crazy I am doing this, but the thing is the crazy is that I have to do this. I shouldn't have 1) been raped (given) 2) been ignored by the DA and 3) been guilty I wasn't able to have him put where he belongs. I shouldn't be doling out consequences to men who are exempt from such things. But here we are.
When I sent that email to the Nevada Division of Insurance on July 5th, I was emotionally exhausted. I had just spent a week watching the video over and over. I had seen part of it maybe a few seconds when it was sent to me from the man who took it, henceforth he shall be known as {M}. I sent it to {D} aka Rapey McRaperson, and I said something about the screaming and he told me "that just means you like it." Yeah, no I really didn't.
i really believed it was my fault. I thought I hadn't fought enough or said no enough or made myself clear. There were 3 men in the room that night; {D}, who I had known 6 years, {M} who I had been on 3 dates with, and {R} who I had known for 10 years. I thought I was 100% safe. I thought that because the other guys didn't intervene or even put down the phone they were recording with, that what was happening was okay and it was my reaction to it that was abnormal. I really thought any negative feelings I had about the incident were just my over reaction at the time.
I had been in love with {D} for years. I always say every time I saw him I would fall in love for 3 days and then remember what an asshole he is. {D} told me he loved me that night while he was raping me. Every red flag and misgiving was washed away in that moment because, as pathetic as this is, he loved me that night and that was all I wanted.
I can forgive a drunken asshole every day of the week, I'm from an Irish Catholic family, I will make excuses for the drunk then say a rosary for them. It's how I was raised. But if that particular drunken asshole is in love with me? I forgive, forget, and apologize for them doing things to me.
He fucking raped me. And as I told Steve Wolfson loudly ad nauseam, it's on fucking video. It is infuriating that I cannot do anything at this point because Steve Wolfson seems to be slut shaming me. I made a mistake that night. I don't have any excused other than the nervous breakdown I had been having for a couple months. But I should never have planned that party. If I knew then what I know now, you know. At the time it sounded like a lot of fun. It was not. And now I'm just supposed to expect to be raped should I have a party with any three random people I have known for a decade because they might rape me and if they do I can't have them prosecuted. And to that I say: what the actual fuck is wrong with our society.
In the end I want 2 things first, I want to heal and second, I want to be believed. I am feeling all chicken little over here because there is a completely uncontrollable admitted rapist (he admitted to me that he raped a girl in college, that's another post for later) and no one can stop him. I mean I can with 100% certainty say that if he gets drunk, he will rape someone else. It will be an acquaintance. That is what he does. He has no control over it. He does have the ability to control it by not drinking, but he cannot control the drinking. Vicious fucking cycle.
PS: If you know of a woman who went to Cal Berkley in the mid-late 80s who had a boyfriend who took dance: I know her rapist and I have spent months doing background research with what little information I have and can find. If you're reading this: he knows what he did and I had haunted him. It didn't change him though.
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