Trauma recovery means trauma acceptance. I have to accept what happened in my life. In doing so I need to unravel the flaming wreckage of my life, like when they piece together the plane from plane crash to see what happened. I’m staring at the pieces trying to figure out what cause the crash with the aid of my distorted gaslit black box of a memory.
There is one trauma in my life that is crystal clear and it is the one forever preserved on video. That is reality. What happened in the video actually happened and that has been a mindfuck to accept. It was a mindfuck to realize. The black box of my memory distorted that data.
In accepting the trauma I fear I need to accept the reality that despite it being on video, there is a high probability that neither man will ever be charged. And the more apparent that becomes the more the trauma swells.
They called me the day the removed {D} from his office and told me he was being arrested. I was shocked but he was also texting me. The victims advocate told me it was about to happen. I spent the weekend talking to him via text holding my breath waiting for them to arrest him.
I was relieved and worried and scared all at the same time. I was talking to him, a man who once try to convince me a hat wasn’t real and all in my imagination, and I wanted to stop. I knew once he got arrested I couldn’t talk to him anymore. So I held my breath because I had been fallowing this man like he was Jesus or the Grateful Dead. I was the dog to his Pavlov. I couldn’t break the communication myself. I didn’t have the strength. And he kept talking to me. At one point that Friday he told me “I love you, but I don’t like you right now.” I needed him arrested so I could break free. That never happened.
The following Monday they told me it’s a jurisdictional issue but, the arrest was imminent. I held my breath longer. He and I kept talking. I finally broke and told him they were going to arrest him. That’s when he called his lawyer.
That first month or so I would forward emails from the victims advocate and I would tell him exactly what was going on and if had talked to the police if I knew anything at all. The day he was fired, I emailed his boss and said it was a personal matter that should not affect his employment because he was so scared and upset. I told him I broke because I take it and he couldn’t. I fear, in hindsight, that was not a true statement on my part.
Now I have to look at the wreckage and the actual data from the black box and realize that I can never have anyone held accountable ever. Not {D} not {M} though still wondering why we can’t have {M} charged because he did it too. I believe it is because no one bothered to watch the fucking video. Short attention span theater up in this bitch. It’s over 30 minutes long and the first 17 minutes are boring because it’s basically two men in their late 50s with coke dick trying to get hard. No one bothered looking at the data from that little black box so no one will do anything. It’s the key to the whole show. It does not show anything of real sexual sadist appeal like the first video when he told me it’s was my reaction he liked. I shows desperation and bargaining and attempts at distraction to make them stop. I’m saying no in every different way I can and I have two men raping me and I can’t talk them into stopping. I once talked a man out of strangling me and I couldn’t talk them into stopping.
At one point, {M} looks at {D} and says “are you sure she likes this?” {D} shoves his fingers down my throat and says “she loves it.”
No one watched the video and can’t make them do it. I have to accept the inaction of those of authority. That is the massive trauma I am trying to accept right now. There will never be justice done in my case to any man who has ever harmed in my life. That is something that I need to figure out how to change for the next woman. I don’t know what kind of legislative change can happen. I can’t get an attorney who will 42 1983 ({D} taught me that trick) the state of Nevada or Clark County because it won’t make them any money because I will not settle out of court. I would have to go to trial. I learned that trick from {D} as well.
I have no recourse, just a video to watch over and over and over to accept my trauma and somehow think it wasn’t my fault. How is that possible?
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